My · Heart · Unsung

what to say? what is there? well i met the absolute, sweetest girl i have ever met. and im not just saying this. she truly is the nicest girl ive yet to meet. im so glad i have. we hit it off instantly and been nearly inseperable since. and i love it. thats all i have for now.. oh and the new widow, will be, incredible. just wait.

my heart is bloooooming

last night was very interesting. i went to the ground round with cheryl and back to her place where we watched clerks 2 and had a wrestling match that lead into full blown chaos. well not really but i dont like to tell of things that are best left to privacy. im so sore though today. my arms feel so weak yet so strong at the same time. im working tomorrow, doin the carpentry thang, it should be fun if i get a decent sleep tonight. i made a reply to certain lj post concerning me but to avoid a fight i just saved it for a better time. insecurities will get the best of you in the end. thats why i feel so free, because im starting to free myself from them.

all in all i feel pretty damn good and i feel pretty fucking confident. straight pimp.

new beginnings are better than dwelling ive found. i need to discontinue my romance with caffeine but not right now. i went to the movies with a gal i havent seen in a very very long time. we were the only ones in the theatre so it was very interesting to say the least. i made good use of the projector and my shadow puppet talents. then off to my house for some curb your enthusiasm. i didnt end up going to bed until 2 am which wouldve been later but we both had things to do in the morning. i might see her again tonight but maybe not.all in all im feeling pretty decent.. tomorrow i think im chilling with cheryl which is going to be awesome. i cant wait.

I havent posted in a very long time so lets recap my life as briefly as possible.

top.bottom.change.relapse. better.worse.diagnosis.new beginnings.

i found out from a psychologist that i have a disease. i take a lot of pills that are prescribed to me and i have a decent inssurance plan.they arent working then again neither is the alcohol i drink. i dont get drunk mind you i have one every hour or so to make sure i dont. Yet, i prepare for the crash the day after.i dont even feel real to be quite honest, i can barely concentrate. my writing has become detatched and disoriented. my heartstings unwound and strained themselves. my chest feels like its ready to implode.

im trying though. very hard. but the nights only bring more frightening dreams of negativity and pain.no one reads this. no one will. so i can say anything. but ill never give my whole heart into anything. or to anyone, ever.again. its 6 o' clock i have to go take my diesel fucking pills. im going to forget one day, {what is he talking about?} one day it wont matter to me {pills?} no one calls.

i had a stalker in the hospital. a serious one. she was completely psychotic. i was a bit nervous wich was a complete change for me. and after the things she did she just kept on smiling this evil grin. i met a 30 year old who looked like she was 24 and she became my best friend. tsal sti taht yarp i thgin yreve.

Jill turned 17 today which is exciting, my angel is getting older! There's so much to look forward to and things are so great. She also started driving school today. Im so proud of her. Soon enough shes going to be driving and working and becoming more responsible. It seems though i dont really get to see her as much as i'd like but she's doing somethimng important and I'm willing to make sacrifices. Her companionship has been so amazing and I'm so thankful that she's in my life. As for me I need to play music and write what i feel through my guitar. Jill is so supportive of my ambition and loves what i play very much. I'm going to do something incredible for her someday.

Tonight was awesome, i got to spend the day with my love. WE went to the front street cafe to eat and walked back to her house. Then we watched Zoolander while waiting for Julie to get home. Julie Jill and I then went to the mall and saw the movie Click which was surprisingly really good. Jill becomes more and more precious in my eyes everyday and tonight i finally truly realized just how deeply i feel for her. Every kiss is so special every moment spent looking into her eyes is in explainable. i see our future just by looking into them.I look into her eyes and I know that everything is going to be ok.She has me completely and I'm so completely devoted to her (redundant, but just to stress the point). Its incredible, that I've actually found what I have always been deeply searching for: love.I finally truly understand and know its meaning in full unselfishly and unconditionally. I am so grateful for her and I cant wait to begin putting all the pieces together and begin painting this beautiful portrait of what my life is going to become. She is that link I was missing, and now its just a matter of time spent working, building, and growing with her. I finally fully trust her with all of my heart and not just most of it. I finally fully believe in myself enough to grow and progress and to make this work.This is all because of Jehovah, his blessing has unveiled my heart and eyes so that i can now feel true, actual love, and see the one I need, the one who completes me. I looked into her eyes and i cried because al of this is so real and not passion. Every hair on her head is so precious to me. Every part of her, i adore and is so beautiful. Although i know so deep in my heart we will last my lifetime, even if.. I know, whole-heartedly, that i will always Love her, forever.

I just got a letter from Mass Health and im covered for out-patient care at Salem Hospital. My aunt Laurie is going to help me by bringing me and shes going to talk to someone at Bayridge so i can start working again. As soon as i get the whole paralell parking thing down im going to go for my license. Things will get better and im going to try hard to make sure they do.

I need new friends, good ones that make me feel like im good enough to be alive. I have two right now (Jill and Julie) but i cant hang out with them everyday though i wish i could. I miss hanging out with Laura, Krysti and Julie, theyve always been so supportive and loving. I feel so alone right now, i really need to be on some medication because things arent getting any better emotionally. Its so sad how much I love Jill, i know that seeing her everyday would be detrimental to our relationship but i feel like i need to. I cant stand being without her. I cant take how im sitting here just hoping that a maybe the phone will ring and her being on the other end. I hate how i wish i could do so much more for her. I need a job. i need to buy her things so i can feel good about myself. i want to support her in every way. i want to take care of her and i get so depressed that i cant. ive been busy though lately. but i know i will get a job soon enough and get my license soon. and i wish i could talk to her about how im sad and have be supportive and reassuring rather than frustrated. i know why she is but i just wish i could hear good things and reinforcing things.i feel so despondent and i feel like nothing is ok.

i was supposed to hang out with tim last night but he never came by. so i stayed in and spent the day with myself. Im so tired today, i had a Watchtower study with my dad(Jimmy) and Jill. Jill's going to her ex-boyfriends graduation party with Julie in RI. Im not worried or anything but it sucks to know that her ex gets to spend the day with her. I know she loves me but i cant fathom my disgust for how guys treat girls.A girl as beautiful as her will be treated with vulgarity by so many guys and it makes me sick.Ive hung out with the worst so i know what facade a person puts on and what their true face is. WHen i see such my heart and lungs fill with fire and i want nothing more than to break their skull down to fragmented pieces. I just hope i wont have to ; ).